Rodney Dangerfield

QuotesPage:123

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang154016.htmlLook,Fat,FoundI get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang165663.htmlRespect,Honest,LuckA girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang154022.htmlDay,Girl,HomeI haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang128200.htmlWife,Her,InterruptI drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang128188.htmlToo,Last,DrinkMy psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang163142.htmlCrazy,Too,SaidYeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167264.htmlGod,Said,UglyI went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang100124.htmlFight,Game,NightI'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang111647.htmlSex,Over,PutOn Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167274.htmlParents,Kids,LookingI looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167298.htmlFamily,Three,FoundI had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167300.htmlDay,Face,ReadingIt's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167288.htmlWife,Tough,SheI told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang128213.htmlSaid,Everyone,RidiculousI'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167290.htmlComing,Taking,DrinkingI remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167296.htmlFather,Remember,SaidI saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang154015.htmlMyself,Girl,NightMy father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167286.htmlFather,Around,PictureMy wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167275.htmlWife,Dark,LightThis morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167270.htmlMorning,Put,HearI told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167294.htmlTruth,Wife,TwoWith me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167266.htmlSex,Right,WifeI came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167303.htmlReal,Tough,PutMy wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang154018.htmlDay,Jealousy,WifeI was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rodneydang167293.htmlMother,Used,Ugly

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BiographyNationality:American
Type:Comedian
Born:November 22,1921
Died:October 5,2004


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